By: breeangel

breeangel — Sun, 19 Feb 2006 20:20:29 +0000

A dam has been breached in me with all the long moments of thoughts and emotions trying to flood free.
Love, do I believe in it anymore? I sometimes feel that I have a frozen place inside me now that no man can touch. I find that in my relationships which have have been few and far between, I am treated like a lovely rich decadent dessert that you savor and indulge in but not to be repeated in for months on end. Or worse, you wait until you are with someone new and search me out, savor hours of those moments only to end with “I’m not looking for a relationship and I’m really kind of seeing someone”.
Wow, do my feelings not matter? Do I not get a choice in this or is what is between my legs all that mattered in the first place? Yes I’m good at it, I’m fully passionate and fully giving on all levels that I have to give. Why bother if it isn’t fully given? Why bother if you are not going to give fully and passionately of all that you have to give in that moment?
Each time I’ve given over and been treated this way I find that another small part becomes more frozen in my spirit until I lock myself away, unwilling to give anymore. I use words to play and flirt knowing I have absolutely no intention of giving anything of myself anymore. The hurt so deep inside is an inferno. I fear sometimes that if it burns too brightly I will reach a point of no return.
I burn my candle so brightly at not just both ends but many ends so I leave no room for anyone. No place in my bed, no place in my emotions, no place in my spirit. I know it’s become a sickness within me to just let no one in, not even friends. I live a lonely life of my own making. I was told once that I have a ‘gift’ for finding that deep place within a man that hurts and open it up and sometimes that is what no one is ready for. They are not ready to begin to heal with what I have to give. Who knows?
What does that mean anyway?
Passion – what is life without it? what is sex without it? I find it sad that a man can choose to hold something in his arms and in his bed while being with someone else. That apparently they cannot not be without me, yet not be with me..never given a chance at that. Well, the mystery that is man confounds me sometimes and I’m a woman that has always thought I totally understood men, thought like a man did.
I find I do not.
Each day is a gift, given freely, choices made or paths followed or not taken. Yet somewhere along the way I have stalled out and lost the passion that drove me. I know that moment and what it was. The question is will I ever recover and live and be alive again inside?
Mating, it all comes back to that. Mate for life. Why do dogs not mate for life, yet wolves do? Why do geese & eagles but not penguins or sparrows? Why are some men and women able to have that spark even in their 70s and 80s for each other which was there at age 20? It’s not about sex really it isn’t. It’s about something beyond that and yet it’s part of it, integral to the whole concept.
A girlfriend once told me “he’s been known to start and keep a relationship because of really good sex”. This about someone who’d shown a strong interest in me. Yes the great, amazing sex has got to be there, but there’s got to be that other part. The interest in every word, the tucking of the hair behind an ear whilst lying in bed all mussed from the aforementioned great sex. The look in each other’s eyes that communicates all things unsaid. What happens when you find that amazing sex and yet every freakin’ word they say bores you and it’s all about them and never about you? Nothing you do is of interest to them and there’s no room for anything. Or worse they make assumptions (make an ass out of you and me both?) about who you are and they are so totally wrong.
But there are the sad bits again….they make me ache inside.
I once told a close male friend that if the woman you are with makes you feel more of man when you are with her and every moment you are apart you can’t stop thinking of her, then you have something worth keeping. It’s the same for a woman, feel more of woman when you are with the man and are more of who and what you truly are when you are together and even apart. That is the secret.
The hard part is finding that person, is it not? Will we find them, do they exist? Maybe that ability to “mate” has been ‘bred’ out of us.. Maybe it’s become an urban myth based on something that was once real but no longer.
And yes John, if you don’t have that amazing spark of a kiss the sex just ain’t worth it. Not one damned bit.

Comments on: comment on comments and a long talk about love

By: breeangel