The problem, for me, is since I’ve experienced a guy who was not only aware of his emotions, fully capable of expressing them and confident (much more so than I on both counts), it’s hard not wanting someone similar or at least with a bit of awareness.

Now as for emotional expression, I sure as hell do not mean that we sit around, constantly talking about our feelings and/or checking in with one another. Heck, many times I can’t sort out my own and need time to process. I think the bottom line for me, is the respect to be heard and the grace to sort things out on both sides…whether together or separate.

By the way, I didn’t intend to tag you…at least, not this time.

First, I need to let other readers know that Nina’s rather politely “tagging” me. Yes, I’m L2 and I have a problem with low self esteem and lack of self confidence. Are there meetings for this?

Just like baby sis, all three of you have your standards. Nina deserves a man who has the security and self confidence she has. Westika is open and tolerant and deserves a man to love her in just that same way. Raven is forgiving and supportive and where is her man? Baby sis wants a man who she can lean on and, alternatively, support.

It seems like these are such reasonable expectations for such outstanding women and yet … and yet … they have not found “The One”. It just isn’t fair, is it?

Get over it, girls.

You haven’t found that guy yet because he doesn’t exist.

Guys who are looking for the perfect Madonna/Whore haven’t found her either. They need to get over it as well. If a guy picks a woman because she’s beautiful he’d best shut up if she’s also a bitch. It’s the choice they made.

Our romantic expectations, male as well as female, are simply resentments that have not yet ripened.

I won’t play.

I just want a lover that won’t make me crazy.

I’ve given up on the smart, talented, beautiful, sexy, compassionate woman I think I deserve.

The very fact that I’ve made such a list of qualities I seek in a woman has set me up for failure.

Same for you gals.

Talk about “shoulding”, Nina. Of course you SHOULD have a guy who has some touch with his emotional human nature. So what?

What price are you willing to pay? There WILL be a price, you know.

Part of the problem is something you just almost put your finger on. A guy who is in touch with his emotions is very unlikely to be confident. He’s always going to be going interior to check his “hole cards.” An emo guy is the guy who is not secure and confident. He’s always vacillating and wondering about and seeking for his emotional reaction. He is not a man of action, self confident and bold. He’s second guessing himself all the time. It’s the way us goofballs are made. we can’t help it. you get one thing, but you’ve got to give up the other. If you want confident and bold, then you are going to get a guy who has learned to ignore his emotional content, his fears and insecurities, and go ahead and haul off and do the thing.

I can pick a woman who is slutty but I’ll give up the virginal mother of Jesus or vice versa I can pick out the virgin and give up the slut. The two things don’t exist in the same space.

The question for all of us is the same. It’s not what we want, it’s not what we deserve and it’s not what should be on some movieworld planet. It’s what can we tolerate? It’s what we can negotiate? It’s what is our best compromise?

For example, Nina, I would say to stop looking for your emotional but secure guy. Start looking for just what you can live with. Do I think you have to settle for some dipshit fuckwad asshole? No. I do think you have to expect us men to be seriously flawed human beings who are capable of all kinds of good things at times but will inevitably fall short of the glory of God at other times. I couldn’t say what you have as flaws. I really didn’t find any. I’m sure you have them. I’ll repeat: pick out your three worst qualities when you are at your very worst and not meeting your ordinary standards for yourself because that’s the level of “flawedness” you must be willing to accept in your man. Same for me, same for everyone.

God help us, no one gets out alive.

blogblah

The older I become the more I believe this to be true. I am one complex creature, which I struggle to figure out. The different aspects of me as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, and colleague need to be fulfilled as much as being a lover.

No man can be everything to me and I don’t expect him to be.

Yes, of all the things I desire in a man, I would like one who is emotionally available or at a minimum, aware of the emotions that flow through him even if he’s unable to fully express them. Maybe even this is too much to wish for.

As for being a non-bitch, I think most men are far too threatened and/or confused when such a woman appears. Let’s face it, for a man to step up and be with a confident, secure woman who grants him everything he says he’s ever wanted, would in turn take a confident and secure man.

blogblah

Admitting your flaws is one thing, but settling for a life in hell is another.

Coupla things leave this unclear to me though. I’m not so sure we’re all on the same page when it comes to our individual definitions or understanding of what a “bitch” is. It’s pretty clear that John’s and Erika’s definitions are different. Or what our understanding of “relationship” is…or even love for that matter. I agree with you that we are going at it backwards though. That’s because of my individual notion of what a relationship or “love” is. It’s not about what we get, but what we give. What we’re willing to sacrifice for the good of the other, as a daily chosen vocation…knowing it’s a tough row to hoe, and having and being a humble partner through thick and thin–well, I don’t think most people “looking for love” are of thining these things. But I could be wrong. Anyway, thanks for a thoughtful post.