Zhawn was talking farts this week and there’s nothing I like better than a good, strong smell. With a nose for news like mine, I had to investigate.
Right off the bat, I ran into the neighborhood bee-zhawn-freeze-ay and told him what I was doing, looking for outstanding farts. He had his own story he insisted on telling me in his high-pitched, nasal voice about this one time he was walking his human over on Ross and this alcoholic hippy who lives in one of the duplexes bent over to work on his car and cut one that made the squirrels scurry across the telephone lines. He claimed it was so bad that it burnt off a little cataract on his left eye. Braggart. I hate those French doggies. Come to think about it, I don’t like any dogs.
Anyway, I went to the one animal I knew would be able to track down the world’s smelly-ist fart, the albino possum that roams the creek. With a long nose like his, he’d smell out the best fart of all time for sure. You kind of have to stand off from him, though, ‘cuz not only could he sink those sharp teeth into you at a moment’s notice for no reason, but he doesn’t smell all that good himself at the best of times. Anyway, he promised to look into it, which is funny because possums can’t see worth shit.
Anyways, he came by Friday night while I was out catting around and he had quite a report.
Seems the first thing he did was head south across the big street next to the library and almost immediately ran into the Calico Clown Cat Clan that runs things over there and they were lolling around enjoying the lox and kippered herrings they were getting from Hannakuh at B’Nai B’Rith. They said they preferred Hannukah at the Temple over Easter at the church on 50th for a fart reason. Said that when the Christian church boiled up a dozen dozen eggs and ate ‘em all, they probably ruined the Passover dinner for Moses and Elijah with the sulfurous smell. Then they said they thought the worst farts in the world undoubtedly came from their neighborhood cat lady who has to fry up some cat food with onions and peppers at the end of every month when the pension check runs out. They say not only does that produce the world’s worst farts on its own, but that the past few months, she’s got colon cancer and doesn’t know it yet, so her farts literally smell like death.
I was ready to walk away at that since I couldn’t imagine a fart worse than one that smells like death, but there was more to the possum’s story.
He said he kept going south and met up with a standard poodle that lives with two guys in a townhouse south of the next Big Street. I didn’t know there was a Big Street south of the one by the library, but apparently there is. The poodle said his own humans have the world’s worst farts. Called ‘em faggot farts. Said both of ‘em like to try to fix food with butter sauce and that makes for farts that are bad enough, but that every once in awhile, they have a chili con carne after party at their house when the Copa closes. Ever met a homophobic poodle before? He says his humans have sex and fart syncopated Sondheim show tunes and you can smell the HIV wafting to the ceiling. Hard to say about those farts being the worst since this fancy boy was so full of “teh gay” this and “queer” that, according to the possum. Ever notice how the ones who hate gays the most are the ones who are a little anxious about their own stuff? Bet there’s something not quite standard about that bad boy.
Anyway, white possum says he then ran into the yellow lab that runs the trash can racket over by OCU who said the homeless guy who eats the bad vegetables from out the back of Buy4Less has the worst farts in their neck of the woods when he gets enough coins to go across the street for a couple of quarter pounders. Said you don’t have to be Dagwood’s Daisy to know from the smell across the street that the grey meat is not good for you. Says that when the homeless guy farts, you can smell the meth and the hepatitus C and they have to go eat at the KA house over by the college. However, they said they thought they’d heard about some really bad farts over near 16th Street and the possum went that way.
Sure enough, Wayne Coyne’s cat says the worst farts in the world come from the Hispanic cook who has to taste everything habanero because they don’t just smell, they burn burn burn. Claims one of the farts once sobered Mrs. Coyne up on a Sunday morning. Fat chance that’s true. This feline also said there had been a bunch of folks lately looking for a farting dog further on down 15th street.
Possum said he finally ran across MCARP’s doggie.
“Jesus Jumpin’ Christ!”, the dog says, “You too? You’re about the 500th one to come and ask me about that. The questions come from Cupertino to Vermont and from Miami Beach to San Diego. I cut one, OK? It didn’t smell so good. What the hell do people expect? Can’t believe MCARP blogged about it. He should talk. Eat Asian food for a week and then tuck into a steak and what rumbles out of him ain’t no Rose Parade, I can tell you that. Him and me walk past a fire hydrant and I can smell a hundred different pee smells and he doesn’t notice and he thinks MY farts smell bad? I can smell some fart, let me tell you. I know when he farts, when his neighbors fart, when that spic cook farts a mile away. Feeds me kibbles and bits for weeks and all at once some table scraps and he’s surprised I might cut a stinker? I got a delicate gut, OK? It happens. Everyone farts. Girls fart, cats fart, birds fart, anything that eats will fart. What is this, fifth grade?”
I stopped listening at that.
Cats don’t fart.
We get the vapors.
So, that’s the scoop on farts.
Sinatra
