Yeah, I know I have made some entries but I haven’t really blogged in a while.

I keep thinking that if I don’t blog much, it won’t distract me from my work.

I keep thinking that if I don’t journal so much, it won’t distract me from my work.

I’ve ended a couple of romantic relationships lately in hopes that I won’t be distracted from my work.

Money is so tight for me right now it’s driving me out of my everlovin’ mind, so my work is critical.  It’s getting downright difficult to be a “Playa” when you don’t have enough money to buy a pack of cigarets or to go to the grocery for catfood.

My credit house of cards is just on the very verge of tumbling down and there’s nothing for it but to generate income.

How’s that working for you, John?

It ain’t workin’.

Neither am I.

I get up, get dressed, go to work and turn on the computer.

Nothing.

I’m not good enough.  I don’t deserve happiness, I guess.  Jolly Dr. Max says I’m in fear of success and all too familiar with failure.

I’m frustrated and unhappy.

Last night was Paseo dinner and movie night.  Always a good time.  Oz brought one of my all time favorite movies, “The Grifters” with John Cuzack, Annette Benning and Angelica Houston.  Maybree brought a delicious home-made dessert.  The TX-MX food at dinner was delicious and we were joined by the ever-bubbly Milissa.

I was miserable in the humid pre-storm weather and restless and went out late back to Paseo where I was more miserable.

This morning, I’m still avoiding and procrastinating.

My garage door opener broke and it’s a bitch to open that big sumbitch by hand.

I’ve been going to a lot of meetings lately — it keeps me from having to work and I am, after all, bug crazy — and yesterday I shared about how scared I am.

I can’t go back, I can’t go forward and I can’t stay here.

I’m not only not going to get what I want, I’m going to lose what I have.

I’m watching a friend of the past 10 years cycle through his bipolar stuff into delusional breaks with reality and that scares the hell out of me.  It’s my fear on feet.

I’m a coward.  I do not have the courage to change the things I can.  This is the big one, with the lack of serenity to accept life on life’s terms as the twin. 

I spent a good deal of yesterday afternoon on my knees praying for my defects in character to be lifted from me and reading my AA literature.

It’s not that I’m doing anything particularly wrong, but when you do nothing it’s sure you’re not doing the next right thing, either.

I don’t know how or why I get into these “loops”.  Part of the answer is that it’s my disease of alcoholism and my chemical imbalance induced depression.  Part of the answer is my perfectionist father and dominating mother. 

I’m longing to act my way into a new way of thinking.

I dream of re-doing my house.  I want to pull up the carpet and re-do the floors.  I want to take down the horrid wallpaper that’s been up for decades and redecorate the hell out of my house.  I want to sell the shit I’ve got for furniture and just live basically on the floor until I can buy really good stuff that I’ve chosen instead of been given.  I want to clean out the beds and plant good stuff and put in a berm and plant a new tree to replace the dead one in my back yard.  I want to put in a hot tub. 

I want to emulate my officemate, Floyd, and grind out the hours into a six figure income.

I want to have one woman in my life with whom I share joys and sorrows and a ton of affection.

All of that is within my grasp.  These are not pie-in-the-sky dreams, they are normal and everyday conditions of living for a great many people.  I am certainly capable of any/all of that.  I have the skills and the health and the law degree to accomplish every bit of that and more — I could do every bit of that plus write and paint.  I know I can.

I don’t.

Not “I can’t”.  Not even that I won’t.

I don’t.

And it’s killing me.

I can’t figure it out and I’m frustrated.

I look back over my journals for the past several years and this time of year is a crisis for me every damn year.  My AA birthday is coming up as is my bellybutton birthday.  It’s the time of year I pay taxes, tag my car, renew my insurance, get my annual physical. 

THIS is why I’m not blogging.  I have nothing constructive to offer.  I’m in a place where I’m self-involved and a little depressed and very frustrated and the frustration especially is making me edgy and testy and makes me want to fight or run away. 

Meanwhile, I rearranged some of the deck chairs on the Titanic and you can see the blog links on the right are now categorized.  There have been some other behind-the-scenes changes that don’t matter to anyone but me because they have to do with the ease with which I paste links, etc., when I do write.

Meanwhile, read my sister’s blog.  she’s surprisingly good.  Read Mcarp.  He’s a joy.  I’ll be back when I can.

My baby sister is SO f’n funny!

PLEASE catch her new blog at

http://mindovermary.blogspot.com/

I’ll see if I can’t put a permalink on the right

f’n hilarious!

BEIJING (Reuters) – Two hapless Chinese thieves gassed themselves to death with cyanide along with five intended victims while trying to rob a gambling den in the city of Ruichang, the Xinhua news agency reported Saturday.

A court in nearby Jiujiang Thursday sentenced their three surviving accomplices to death for the robbery, carried out last June.

One of the three passed out for several hours from the effects of the gas — but still remembered to rob the dead of 15,950 yuan ($1,990), five mobile phones and a gold necklace when he came around, Xinhua said.

Sleeping alone.

Going out a little, but not on dates.

Sinatra’s still spoiled.

Money’s still tight — if some new client doesn’t walk in with money soon, I’m going to be required to sell my house and move to Mexico where pot’s legal and I can be a peon.  Come to think of it, why wait?

Am I the only one to whom it has occurred that we have better evidence of global warming, which the Bush Administration denies exists, than we had/have of WMD in Iraq, of which the Bush Administration was certain?

Mexico to decriminalize pot, cocaine and heroin – Yahoo! News

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/oukoe_uk_mexico_drugs

I’m taking down the blog for a while and won’t be making any entries for several days if not longer.

It isn’t the webmaster’s fault.

If you are that fascinated with my life, give me a call or see me on the Paseo during the lovely warm evenings.

Love ya bunches!

ttfn

Privacy Shattered Sharon says I should call my blog “The Louche Life”.

From Encarta:

I wonder if Privacy Shattered Sharon would like me to start adding adjectives and adverbs to a few of the things I know about HER life?   Hmmmmmm???

speaking of my louche life, such as it is, (and certainly this blog is disreputable, whether that’s accurate about my life or not), I exceed the boundaries of good taste and decency in the comments to the entry below.  Y’all ARE invited to talk back and read the comments, when you’ve got a mind.

I can tell from my blog and journal entries that I’m shutting down emotionally.

My money is in my head and everything I’ve ever learned about living life enjoyably is dead to me.

The maw of the man cave beckons me.

This baby has been overstimulated by relatives chucking it under the chin and I’m going to be cranky and cry just before I fall asleep.

We think we grow up and get sophisticated, but eat, shit and sleep has a powerful pull on us and some of the ways we act as babies just gets repeated in a slightly different fashion as we grow larger.

Reminds me of what good ole Claude Anderson used to say about there not being much evolution in humankind the past 150,000 years or so.  “They” are so primitive and savage and “We” are so cosmopolitan and civilized.  Hmmm.  Think I may want to call bullshit on that one.

I’m about the same on this one.  I don’t particularly claim myself to be all that darn grown up, but, even if you were grown up, just how grown up is grown up?  Don’t grownups do a lot of very childish things?  And some child-like things as well? 

Think about how a baby acts.  When you eat a big meal and want to immediately go to sleep — and do — how is that any different than an infant?

And, then there’s that whole mammal thing.

Yeah, I know, humans are at the very apex of the pyramid of life on earth.  Dominant species.  Special.  Self aware of the angel within us.

But this is spring and we all feel a little like rutting and we’re restless with the change in the seasons and the earth under our feet and the plants that are blooming and putting out leaves and the animals and insects and birds that are mating and eating and nesting all around us.

Just how far out of the jungle do we really think we are?

For me, cloudy days depress the rose bush in my DNA and I have to go ride out by Lake Hefner to satisfy the frog in me and when the ugly 68 year old overweight waitress bends over the next table, my chimpanzee still has a galvanic response.

What part of me is human?  The part that makes me feel guilty and stupid and worthless because I’m broke.  The insane part.

How cool is that?

We love you, redhead.  We even love your sharp tongue.  Have a great one, feliz anos and all that.

Can’t wait til we get to the spanking part.