Tall Ed was so very pathetic Saturday night. If you have to call and beg for an invitation to a party, as Tall Ed did, it’s just sad. As soon as he found out at the Trinkets and Baubles show at the Red Cup that I was headed to Baker St. for a party with the lovely Juliet and the Elastic Cafe crowd (by overhearing a conversation between me and The Gary) he was on the phone to Juliet asking for an invitation. Oh, I know what it’s like to feel pity for someone who protests so loudly and so long that they are cool (never a cool move). And, certainly there are women who are still willing to kiss Kermit, hoping for a prince, only to find Tall Ed is, well, Tall Ed. It’s sad, it really is. I know how hard it is to imagine that a man of his age would still be comparing penis size with all and sundry, just as if he were still 12 years old, but that’s Tall Ed. He even proposed a “contest” between us out loud and in front of people at VZDs the other night. Oh. My. God. I was shocked and amazed by such crass and juvenile behavior, but I really think he just doesn’t “get it” — and I mean both that he doesn’t understand how idiotic that sounded and that he doesn’t seem to “get it” from the women he tries to womanize. How else to explain such behavior?

Ah, well. If you are or have been or expect to be a woman in my life, you can apparently expect Tall Ed to come sniffing around hoping to compete with me. If you’re cool enough to be in that category, you may also have a problem knowing what to do with Tall Ed when he clumsily follows up. So, here’s some help from dating experts about what to do when that happens:

‘Stop hitting on me!’
By Matt Christensen

Facing some unwanted attention? We canvassed single people like you — and dating experts — for their strategies on how to dodge those advances. Plus: 3 signs someone is trying to give you the slip.

So you’re at a bar or party and someone has taken a shine to you. Unfortunately, the feeling isn’t mutual and you want to quickly end the exchange. What to do? Sometimes the truth (“I’m not interested”) is too harsh. Listen in as experts share their advice… and as single people like you reveal the more original ways they’ve given people the slip when conventional methods don’t work. (Caution: Some of these earn points for creativity, not kindness.)

Our panel of expert advisors suggest the following:

Bring things to a quick close. Wait for a tiny break in the banter and then say, “Well, it’s been fun chatting. Please excuse me but I think I see my friend. Have a great night.” Then walk off purposefully to another area out of view. Yes, it’s abrupt, but it gets you out of there. You really don’t need an elaborate excuse.

Introduce him or her to a friend or an acquaintance—then quickly slip away. Granted, it may seem underhanded to pawn off your unwanted goods onto a pal, but who knows? You know the saying: One person’s blow-off, another’s budding relationship…

Say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s the oldest trick in the book, but there’s a reason it’s withstood the test of time: It’s totally plausible and therefore lets your suitor down easy. Worried that news of your phantom squeeze will deter someone you have your eye on? Don’t worry, news rarely travels that quickly. And even if it does, anyone you flirt up a storm with will take it with a grain of salt.

Grab your cell phone and say, “I totally forgot, I was supposed to call a friend of mine and tell her where the bar/club/party is. Can you excuse me for a sec?” Then you can just drift away and begin circulating again in a minute or so.

How other singles give people the slip

We’re not saying you should try these moves exactly, but they sure do win points for originality…

The undercover cop excuse

“This girl kept hitting on me at a club one time. I wasn’t interested in her, but I didn’t want to be rude. So, I told her I was an undercover cop, and that I had to concentrate on looking for people breaking the law. When she asked to see my badge, I told her that I didn’t want to blow my cover. She persisted, so I told her that if she didn’t leave me alone, I’d have to cite her for obstruction of justice. It worked, and she high-tailed it outta there.” —John South

One sick scheme

“One time I was at a bar and a girl wouldn’t leave me alone. To drive her away, I told her that I had mono, and that she might catch it. She’d been hitting on me all night, but that was enough to get her to stop. I wound up trying to talk to another girl at the bar who asked me, ‘Aren’t you the guy who has mono?’ Turns out the first girl had spilled the beans about my excuse to some other girls. Serves me right, I guess.” —Chris LaFleur

Touchdown!

“Two of my friends had to run interference for me at a party when this girl just wouldn’t leave me alone. It was like we were diagramming a football play: The plan was, my one friend would walk by and get her attention, then my other friend would pretend to be drunk and stumble into her from behind and they would keep her occupied until I was out the door. It worked like a charm. Thank you, NFL.” —Luke Somerville

Pet tricks

“A girl came up to me at a party once; she was cute, but all she talked about was herself, so I wanted to bail. I shuffled around in my pocket and made my phone go off by pressing the “ringer choice” button. Then I picked it up and said, loud enough for her to hear me, ‘My parrot escaped?’ I told her that my roommate called and that there was an emergency at home. I think she was too dumbfounded to argue, which gave me enough time to get out of there.” —Johnny Sember

You snooze, you lose (your suitor, that is)

“A guy started to make a move on me at a bar, but after talking to him for about five minutes, I knew it was going nowhere. So, I pretended to fall asleep for a few seconds. When I ‘woke up’ I explained to him that I was just so tired and had had such a hard week. I’m not sure if he bought it, but after another few ‘quick naps,’ he moved on.” —Jane Dryer

(Tall Ed! Pay Attention! This part is for YOU!!!)

3 signs someone’s trying to avoid you

Be a more aware dater: Understand the clues that someone just isn’t that into you by heeding these signals.

The person you’re chatting up uses the word “but.” For example: “I’d love to dance, but I’ve got two left feet.” “I appreciate your offer for a drink, but I’m feeling under the weather.” “I’d love to hang, but my friends and I might leave soon.” Never take “but” statements at face value. If this person is interested in you, he or she will dance, drink, and stay for awhile—no ifs, ands, or buts.

The object of your affection doesn’t maintain eye contact. Even if this person is yakking up a storm with you and laughing at all your jokes—if the eyes are elsewhere, the mind is, too (most likely trying to figure out how to get unglued from you, sorry to say).

He or she will answer your questions—but not make inquiries into your own life. Few people will be so rude as to ignore a question asked of them, but if they’re not returning the volley with “so what about you?” or “what do you think?” that’s because they want to cut the conversation short rather than keep it rolling. Stop wasting your breath and head to greener pastures.

Matt Christensen writes for Maxim, among other publications.