It’s hard for me to blog today.

I’m having a difficult time and, to make matters worse, it’s a hard time of my own creation.

I’m being very self destructive at work, ignoring clients and files and huddling inside myself, afraid to go forward, afraid to stay still, and unable to go back.

I spent all day yesterday having imaginary and angry conversations with someone who is absent from my life.

But, boy, did I tell ‘em off. Over and over. Rehearsing angry words I’ll never say.

I’ve done two things “right” this week. On Monday I went to an AA meeting. On Tuesday I went to an AA meeting. Those are the right things I’ve done so far this week. That’s it.

Last night, I went to bed at 11 p.m. but at 2 a.m. I was still grinding over a failed relationship, rehearsing the angry words. So unfair, so horrible, so monstrous, I can’t face it, oh my.

I got some good advice: “let it go”.

How, exactly, do you do that?

How do you not think about the white horse?

I’m off kilter and can’t seem to get centered.

On the outside, I look good. I’m wearing Armani today.

Inside, I hate myself and all my imperfections, all the things that make me, … well, … me.

I don’t have to drink over this, but it was close enough last night that I reminded one of my favorite bartenders that I’m a recovering alcoholic and not to serve me whiskey, even if I ask.

I got up today, showered and got dressed and came into the office.

Tonight, I’ll get with friends and go to dinner and see a movie at my house.

I’ve received a reminder that I don’t have much in the way of troubles in this world and that others face much greater challenges.

I’m at the office and if I sit here long enough, maybe I’ll do SOMETHING and anything will be better than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.

I have much to be grateful for: family, friends, material wealth, health, and the list goes on and on.

I may not be perfect, but I’m not a bad guy.

I’m not smart enough to solve every problem, but I’m not stupid.

The weather is very good, especially for January, and the top’s down and the sun is shining.

Grinding over old bones will not make my past better.

Right now, I’m safe and warm and clothed and housed and solvent.

Take a deep breath, John. Just calm down.

Erase those old tapes, dude. There’s no going back.

No doubt, the universe will unfold as it should. Without MY personal direction, I might add.

I don’t know what I”m afraid of, but I am so weary of being scared.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

Nothing like an AA meeting to make the world a better place. One of the good things about being a recovering alcoholic is that I can go to a meeting and often will hear just exactly what I need to hear. Some way of looking at my situation that isn’t crazy and doesn’t involve getting drunk and throttling someone or putting a gun in my own mouth. Something that reminds me of my humanity and what I have in common with other human beings. It’s one of the few “safe” places in my life, where I can go and not feel afraid. People that I feel sure won’t hurt me, at least for that one hour. So, as to the above: nevermind.