Sinatra stayed out all night on Fat Tuesday and I’m not sure what all happened but his drug pusher showed up Wednesday night with a new catnip mouse. AND his junkie source is a blonde babe.

Which means, dear readers, that my cat had a better Mardi Gras than I did.

Now, he just sort of hangs out listening to the stereo play Led Zep II and whenever I ask him if he wants to go do something, he just says “Yo Yo Yo, dude”.

Or “Phat!”

I’ve tried to tell him that’s so last year, so old school and not at all hip.

He’s not listening.

Today, there are three female cats hanging around my back yard and every once in a while, he goes out, talks to them, has a little spat, and comes back inside with another gold chain around his neck.

What’s that about?

And just try to tell him the broad brimmed hat with a feather in it is declasse and he just shows new gold fangs. It’s his “gangsta grill”, he says. I’m really confused about some of this stuff.

I mean, you take them in, you feed and pet them, you buy them a new kitty litter box, you try to instill some FREAKIN’ VALUES and what happens? They’re alla time asking you the spread on the Knicks game. I answered “butter?” and he just looked at me. I tried “jam?” and he gave me the most disgusted look. It was all the spreads I could think of.

He used to be content with a spot on the carpet next to the heater vent. Now, he wants in the middle of the bed, which is one thing, AND UNDER THE COVERS!!! I’m not having it.

He’s constantly in the back of my closet. I think he’s trying to saw off the barrel of my shotgun. There’s a lot of noises I can’t otherwise explain.

I even tried to tell him he’s mostly white except for his ears, tail and mask. That got him going . Something about a “single drop of black blood” and all us southern honkey racist oppressors.

Next thing I know, he’s got a pair of my best sunglasses and IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

gotta go now. something about how he wants me to pay him for rent on his crib. Crib? He doesn’t have a crib. He sleeps on my bed. Oh, well. Talk to you later.