I’m not sure I want to post this.  It’s gonna be maudlin, self involved crap, so you might want to pass it up.

 I have a deep sense of being not quite good enough tonight.

It’s the message I’m getting from the universe, no matter what the universe might actually be telling me.

It’s a feeling of inadequacy that I’m comfortable having.  I’ve often felt this way.

It’s an old, damning, shaming, guilty friend.

I can’t meet your expectations and that means I’m less than perfect and that means I’m shit.

“snap out of it,” was my X-wife’s answer.

Damn, I’d think.  Why didn’t I think of that?

Well, of course, that’s what you’d do if you could.

And, of course, I couldn’t just snap out of it or I’d already have done it.

Which made me feel even more inadequate than before.

It’s why we were able to stay together for 30 years. 

I feel different from the rest of you.  Alienated, I believe is the word.

I want to go live in the cave or monastary one over from MCARP.

Once more, I’ve decided to give up on dating.

I’m going to isolate.  I hope I get more done around the house this time than the last time.

My sister is in town.  She is so radiantly beautiful and funny and charismatic.  She has a gift for life that I really envy.  I don’t think I’m the only sibling that feels that way.

Poor Sinatra has had his shots, his manhood taken away and his displaced hip reslotted.  He’s a very quiet kitty right now.  Doesn’t much feel like playing fetch, you know.  I try to pet his furry face every chance I get, but he’s mostly sleeping in corners.

Saw DeShan tonight and briefly kidnapped her and took her to Sidecar.  She fell and I don’t think she felt all that pretty.  I just wanted to hang with her for awhile before she leaves for Down Under, so I didn’t mind her having a fat lip, poor baby.

Tomorrow’s gay pride day parade.  It’s an event described to me tonight as the most audacious, creative thing that happens in this city all year.  memorial park at 36th and Classen — Be There OR Be Square! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!  (I wonder whose voice they used for those radio commercials?  You know, the drag car races commercials?)

I’m going to go take an ibuprophen for my elbow and get some sleep.  I took two naps today and i still feel sleepy.

Dr. Max?  Am I depressed?

Fuck.

OK.  I’ll snap out of it anytime now.