I’m a little overwhelmed lately.

Part of me looks and says gosh, I’ve done so much since I last posted.  I’ve gone to an amazing Friday night of art openings that I’d like to tell the world about.  I did another photo shoot, but this time behind the camera as art director, a new and interesting experience.  It was happy birthday for Pink Lady.  Same day, it was happy birthday for Memphis MB.  Privacy Shattered Sharon and her sculptor and her daughter moved to Lawrence, KS., on Wednesday (and I missed out on having a goodbye lunch to my great regret).  MCARP and my sister have been posting some really interesting things.  My friend, John X, has started up a new blog that is interesting, even if it is a bit focused on the midget thing.  Lucky D is on a 10 day trip out of town to the west coast.

Another part of me is tired.  I am physically, mentally and emotionally played out.  My depression is no longer sneaking around corners and stalking, it’s making a full-fledged frontal assault.  My defenses are down and just staying in the mood to put one foot in front of the other is getting to be a chore.

In AA, we have this little thing that is a Keep-It-Simple-Stupid type acronym, H.A.L.T., which stands for Hungry Angry Lonely Tired and it’s a check for the feelings that kick off our alcoholic behaviors.  I’m there. And, I hate it that my life can be pidgeon-holed by some bumper sticker philosophy of life.

On the other hand, I certainly have the “fuck it, might as well get drunk and forget my troubles for awhile” attitude that I’m fighting.  I told the lovely Juliet the rock hard truth this week when I revealed to her that I’m as close to drinking again as I’ve been in a very long time.  this, despite the fact that I know as certainly as the sun will rise in the east that to do so would not only NOT solve any of these problems I feel that I have, but it would make things immeasureably worse.  It’s one of the anomalies of my life that there are times when it seems like a good trade:  a “normal” person has many problems, an addict has only one.  If you love me and see me drinking, I’m in pain and making a very bad mistake, so please help me get help.  Or just bitch slap the shit out of me.

Sorry, sis, this is a “secret” that I had to get out in the open.  It’s one of the ways I fight the secret.  Posting it here makes me that much less likely to go do something in secret that would ruin a lot of days of sobriety.  I know you think it’s better to keep such things to oneself, but I don’t work that way.  I wish I did, but I don’t.  I have to be rigorously honest, as the black belt AA folks say, as part of the way I stay sober.  It’s my character flaw, it humbles me without humiliation, and I have to admit it to myself and others so I can go to God and ask for him to remove it.

Some of you may mostly see the arrogant and confident John, but this is the scared little boy.  I often make lists of things for which I have great gratitude.  Most often, it’s things like grandkids, friends and health.   Today, my list is topped by how grateful I am that the liquor stores are closed on Sunday.

I just posted over on 3:40 a.m. about contentment.  I wrote that when I am not content, I try to get centered and get perspective.  That’s true.  Today, I’m upset and can’t get centered and have zero perspective.  Maybe that’ll change after doing some laundry and other chores around the house.  Maybe I just need a decent meal. 

 I’ll try to post about the wonderful stuff that’s been going on in my life like art shows and photo shoots later.

Right now, I’m just trying not to listen to Leonard Cohen.