so, I’ve got this pet peeve and I’ve got to get it off my chest.

There is a difference, dear ones, between an “excuse” and an “explanation”.

You’re sitting in a bar, waiting and waiting and waiting and the person you were supposed to meet 45 minutes ago comes breezing in all apologetic.  I’m sorry, they say, but I was in a business meeting and it was very important and I got caught in traffic.

This is an explanation.  It is not an excuse.  I may understand your explanation, but I don’t have to be sympathetic, I don’t have to like it and I don’t have to excuse it.  It was the late person’s problem.  They stacked meetings too close together and didn’t take life into account.  Traffic is ALWAYS a bitch.  Meetings ALWAYS drone on.  That’s why I understand.  I have no sympathy, however.  Essentially, you’ve just told me that I’m playing second fiddle to whoever and whatever you had going on before me.  Now you want my pardon and understanding and sympathy?  Fuck that.

Now, if you come in and tell me that on your way to meet me that a big hunk of blue ice fell from a plane up above and crashed through your windshield, now THAT’s an excuse!  It means that something happened that you couldn’t avoid and couldn’t plan for.  Act of God and unavoidable delay.  You’d best have a hole in your window and a smelly wet spot in the front seat, just to make it look good, but if that happens, I sympathize and excuse your tardiness.

In the first example, though, you could have said “sorry. gotta leave.  have another appointment.  hold that thought and we’ll talk again tomorrow.”  It might be inconvenient and uncomfortable and even awkward.  Nevertheless, you can do it and people do just that all the time. 

How about this one?  Excuse or explanation?

“I missed work because my boyfriend dumped me and I spent the night crying and sharing a few bottles of wine with my girlfriends and just couldn’t get out of bed this morning after I slept through the alarm.”

Well, if you’d come to work on time but in a very rotten mood, your boyfriend’s unexpected dumping would be an EXCUSE.  You, however, controlled your response to that and you could have had wine with your girlfriends another night and just prayed and read the Bible last night instead of getting drunk, so your reason for missing work this morning is only an EXPLANATION and I don’t have to like it and you are fired.

This does not just apply to suiting up and showing up when and where you promise you’ll be.  It also applies to money.

“I know I promised to pay the rent on the first of the month and that it’s the 10th and I still haven’t paid, but I had to pay the electric bill or they were going to cut off the lights.” 

Explanation and not excuse.  You are evicted.  Yeah, I understand we get blindsided by the electric bill in the summertime especially and that you can’t live a decent life without lights.  However, your explanation means the landlord must find another way to pay HIS light bill.  I’m not sympathetic.  It’s no excuse.  Next time, do better planning and saving.  Let this be a lesson.  Explanations are not a good substitute for performance of promises.

I think a large number of people say to themselves (in a mostly inarticulate way): “you know, if everything works out the way I’ve planned and everyone does exactly what I expect them to do and I have a very tiny bit of luck, then I really can keep this promise.”

WRONG!

Murphy’s law.  Everything will not go as you plan.  Everyone will not do exactly as you want them to do.  Your luck will routinely fail.  When you then explain to me that your plans were upset and people flaked out on you and you had a bit of bad luck, hellfire and damnation, I understand.  Things don’t go right for me, either.  People don’t always do what I want them to do.  I’ve certainly had my share of bad luck.  I really really really understand, I do.  But, it’s no excuse.  It’s just bad planning.  Shut up, take the consequences and next time say to yourself:  “if everything goes awry, can I still keep this promise?”  If the answer is “No!”, then don’t make the promise.

When you make a promise and don’t keep it, it’s dishonest and insulting.  Your explanation is a pretty wrapping for your dishonesty and it hides the insult, but it’s still dishonest and disrespectful.

An excuse is actually pretty rare.  It means that something happened over which you could exercise no control and could not plan for the circumstance.  It doesn’t just mean that events took YOU by surprise.  If you’re oblivious and stupid and don’t plan ahead, every single day is a freakin’ surprise.  No, you don’t get rewarded for stupidity.  One suspects the dumped girlfriend who couldn’t make it to work might also be just a little bit on the oblivious side.  Few of us get dumped without any warning.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt on that one.  the rest of her explanation, as before, is just blah blah blah.

“I forgot”.  Understandable explanation.  We all have brain farts and forget.  Now, off with your head and next time write yourself a note.

This brings me to the second part of this pet peeve.

No matter how lame the explanation, the giver of explanations is absolutely positively guaranteed to whine about consequences.  What do you mean I’m fired for missing work?  I told you my boyfriend dumped me!  It’s not FAIR!!!  What do you mean I’m evicted?  I told you they were going to cut off the lights!  It’s not FAIR!!!  Why are you pissed about me being 45 minutes late?  I told you I was in a meeting!  It’s not FAIR!!!

Shut the fuck up.

having to take the consequences of failing to perform on your promises is nothing but fair.  You just don’t like it.  You are not supposed to like it.  It’s supposed to be a negative consequence.  The person you promised to work for, pay rent to or meet for a drink has already paid a negative consequence because they relied on your promise.  Now, they must be even better planners to adjust to your failure to keep your word.  What in hell makes you think it’s not fair for YOU to take the consequence of your failure and for the person who took you at your word to have to pay the consequence when they did NOTHING WHATSOEVER wrong.  They kept their promise and should pay the consequence and you didn’t keep your promise and should get a free ride?  THAT’S your idea of fair?

Shut the fuck up.

Each of us make many promises every single day.  Everytime you buy something with a credit card, you’ve made a promise to repay.  Every workday is a promise that you will benefit the company and their promise to pay you a given wage or salary.  Marriages are promises.  We are only able to function as a culture, society and civilization because people take and make and KEEP promises.  In America, we have a zillion unspoken promises:  that we will talk things out or go to court and not just shoot first and ask questions later, for example.  This mutual promise of each of us to refrain from resorting to violence as a way of resolving disputes is one of the pillars of civilization itself.  It’s why we so heavily punish violent behavior as a crime in almost every culture and nation and society in history.  Do not kill other people was the rule long before Moses.

How about if the boss comes in one Friday and says:  “well, folks, I know it’s payday but the old ball and chain and I had a helluva fight last week and I hauled off and went to Vegas and lost all your wages and withholding at the craps table.  I know you will understand how domestic rows can upset things.  That is all.  Back to work.  Maybe next week the dice will roll more 8s the hard way. bye.  so sorry.”

You want to quit and/or shoot him?  Why?  You understand the explanation, don’t you?  Haven’t you ever had a fight with your significant other and then done something stupid?  Quit?  Not FAIR!!! 

I’ll leave it to someone else to talk about the other side of this same coin, also a pet peeve of mine:  people who won’t freakin’ take a stand and commit to anything or, even worse, who give you a “weasely” reassurance in the place of a promise.  (“I can’t exactly promise to pay you back on tuesday, but real soon, you bet, real real soon.”  “I’ll be as monogamous as the next guy as long as the next guy is don Juan.  Ho ho ho. pretty good, eh?  Let’s not talk about this tonight, honey, okay?” )

At random: Ann Coulter now slightly leads Condi Rice for the title: “The Cunt”.