I’m very frustrated and I’m not sure why.

I speculated on another board that everyone  I know just needs to get good and laid and get over it.

That’s an expression of my frustration.

I’m grasping at straws.

I actually believe I’m on the cusp of something.  My “7” years have always been more important than my “0” years for some reason.  May have something to do with graduating high school at age 17 or just some superstitious belief in the number itself.

I’m actually the one who is most frustrating me.

I’ve felt all year that something was coming.  something about me is changing.  As time has passed since last July (actually June, before my birthday), I’ve had a heightened sense of anticipation.

I won’t go through the history, but a great many “exciting” things have happened to me at various stages of my life in those months of June and July  —  not all of them so pleasant at the time.

This year, I’m trying to keep my cool.  I’ve created serene environments.  I’ve read books of what is regarded as wisdom and spirituality.

I’ve had some devastating romantic failures in springtime and my answer this year is to avoid the possibility by having no current intense romantic ties.  I’ve not had a date by design for some time now.  I’ve done my best to work through those past relationships and clear all those decks of detritus, jetsam and flotsam.

I have some money put back this year so that the 15th of April is not going to be another financial crisis.

I take my meds and have had a thoroughgoing medical workup as late as this time last year with other checkups since then.  I even have health insurance this year.

I go to my AA meetings and don’t mess with what sobriety I have.  I consider not drinking a gift and a blessing and a return to drinking has no appeal to me — I won’t dishonor that gift, God willing.

You see, this year, I’m hoping for a blessing.  I believe that most of what people call “luck” (or even fate or destiny) is really someone’s hard work to develop opportunities to succeed. 

I’m trying to learn my lessons and not need another. 

Meanwhile, I’ve got this psychic “itch” I can’t scratch.

My animal within is reacting to Spring.  All these weather fronts coming through are frothing my hormonal balance. 

I’m boring myself senseless.

I’m having lengthy conversations with a bloody house cat.

I’m listening to Delilah, fer goodness sakes!

I’m tired of the same old songs again. 

I’m chafing.

I’m champing at the bit.

It’s like my very soul has piles and scabies and head lice and just can’t stop fidgeting.

I live with abundance and want for absolutely nothing.

I don’t really know for what I would wish as a blessing.  My first impulse is the powerball jackpot, but you know I’m not so sure that would be the blessing I imagine: it’s a devil’s bargain for me to have too much money.

Speaking of devil’s bargains, my next impulse would be to have that forever woman in my life.  Again, John, be careful what you pray for.

I think maybe health is my best bet, but that means giving up my smokes.  I’m being a baby about it.  I mean a real, temper tantrum throwing baby about it.  Many of you know I’ve been trying unsuccessfully and that drives fissures into my self esteem and grrrrrrrrr.  I’m grinding my teeth over it at night and … throwing tantrums.

i can’t write any more.  I have to stop and have a smoke.

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