I haven’t felt much like writing in a very long time and I’m not just talking about the blog. I mean I’m not writing my cat story and I’m not even putting much in my journals and diaries.
In fact, I’m not doing much of anything these days.
It’s not like I’m depressed and isolating.
I’m just fucking off.
Sorry about the unnecessary language, but it’s expressive of my actual activity.
I’m just kind of screwing around.
No rhyme or reason.
It’s just what’s going on with me right now.
I just saw a Penn & Teller about AA and addiction and it’s thought provoking, but disturbing thereby to my serenity. I’ve been going to more than usual AA meetings of late and even “took a meeting” down south of here at a pre-release center. My program is all mixed up right now and I even know why. I’ve reached a point where I can’t be special anymore and need to get a new sponsor that I’ll actually call and talk to and tell the truth and all that. Damn. I was hoping to avoid that. (Why? Well you might ask, because I don’t know the answer.)
A friend of mine notes that all ex drunks have two things about which they will whine incessantly: romance and finance. I hate being nailed like that. On the other hand, I’ve done pretty well about trying to keep both those things off my front burners for quite a long time. Just wish the finance thing would wait until after Christmas like most other years.
I think a big part of my finance whining has to do with the above bit about not doing much of anything of late, but just kind of screwing around instead.
One bad thing about just screwing around is that you’d think it’d be cheap, but it isn’t. You find yourself buying $10 worth of coffee at $1.50 at a time plus some tips. You eat lunch or dinner out. Another $10-20. You see something like a shirt or a pair of socks or a tie or … I don’t know, an iPod … and the next thing you know, you’ve made the considered decision that you have to have … wait for it … a $400 Blackberry phone! That’s the ticket! (Huh? Well you might ask, because I don’t know the answer.)
Not to mention that you’re screwing around on $3/gal gas.
It’s expensive to bum around.
And you don’t make much money that way.