It may not sound like it, but in a way this blog entry is very much like the “Ya no” entry below.

I have this sense of change.

Lots of the time, I have an alcoholic’s sense of impending doom, of the coming catastrophe in my personal life. I’m not good enough to succeed, so of course, I will soon be bankrupt and friendless and homeless and oh my I can’t take anymore I have to have a drink.

Yeah, yeah.

This sense of change is not the same.

I don’t yet know and won’t and can’t know for a long time whether catastrophe awaits. Likely it will, but there’s nothing to indicate that at the moment.

I feel that I am changing in some fundamental way.

I feel, without evidence, that important personal experience awaits me very soon.

I mean, I see little signs here and there. Habits changing and axioms challenged.

I’ve done a lot of things differently this year, but a great deal of this year has also been spent remaking the same old mistakes and bad judgments. I just sense that some little changes are about to reach critical mass and make a synergistic leap in some direction that I can’t just yet quite foresee.

I’ve been a year without a girlfriend, nor much in the way of dating and the single life, really. I don’t think a new romance is the change of which I speak, although it may be a part of the shift I sense coming. It’s certainly one of the changes in my life this year about which I speak. This is the first time ever that I’ve ended a romance in a still friendly way and then not jumped right into another. For the first time, I’ve seriously tried to think through my part of my past romances. Unfortunately, not a lot just jumps out at me, but a “eureka moment” in the area of my attitude about romances might be something that would fit this category of suspicion of changes to come.

Just lately, I’ve really tried hard to move my path more sobriety oriented by attending more AA meetings, volunteering and such. One change I know that I’m invested in making with respect to my sobriety is to actively seek serenity. It’s been a very long time since I did a good job of making a daily habit of “centering up”. My Tao leanings are hard earned. They do me no good if I forget them and don’t practice them daily. For me, one of the centers of my AA experience is to learn from them the hard lessons of prioritizing and analyzing daily life as we experience it, and to regard it with equanimity. Almost nothing must be a big deal unless we make it so. Such thoughts infuse my life and are blessings when I use those tools. This calm acceptance of the world as it is helps keep me sober. If I am successful at making serenity a part of my day on a disciplined and daily basis, this would certainly be a big change of the psychic kind I anticipate.

The big change could be financial. I always think I’m on the verge of bankruptcy and disrepute. Maybe I’ll finally go under. Maybe something really big will drop into my lap. Who knows? I know this: my finances must go one of those two directions soon because I simply am incapable of continuing to tread water. I will soon decide, I suppose, by my behavior whether I shall be the hero or the villain of my own story just as Dicken’s character declared. (I wrote “victim” instead of “villain” the first time through. Freudian slip anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?)

There’s also something not right about my surroundings at home. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s the furniture, it’s the decor, it’s the floor plan, it’s the space, it’s the neighborhood, it’s je ne sais quoi. There’s something not right, yet I look at every room overall and in detail and I can’t tell what it might be. Of course, I’d like new furniture, new electronics, new decor. But, it’s something else I can’t quite tack down. I’ve been talking about selling my house and buying something smaller and maybe that’s a big change I can feel coming even more than making a decision in that direction.

My sister, MindOverMary, is coming to town Nov. 13-18 and I’m sure we will talk about it since we talk about everything. I expect I’ll make my Thanksgiving holiday plans about the same time. I haven’t talked to Mom or my kids yet and their preferences will be a strong influence. Mary’s invited me to follow her back to S.C. and I’m hankerin’ to go. I love where she lives, it’s beautiful and the food and shopping are great. Mary makes me laugh and I want to see her sons and daughter/son-in-law.

And, by the way MCARP and your irrational longings and Flibbertigibbit! and your sleeping/SLEEPINGs — well, you know. Both of you. Stop it.