Dear World,
Thanks but no thanks.
I’m all stocked up on crazy right now, thank you very much.
Oh, sure, I’ve bought lots and lots of your high quality crazy at your low, Low, LOW volume discount prices in the past, but that’s the problem. I’ve got all I need and a surplus. A lifetime supply.
It’s not that I have any complaints with the service. Ready delivery of very high quality insanity has been the hallmark of your marketing department. The prices have been steep at times, but mostly I run into crazy completely free of charge as often as I need and want.
Now, you’re just wasting time for both of us with your solicitations. My decision is firm and final.
NO MORE CRAZY.
Sure, you have a line of personal romance crazy and another of public election insanity and a boutique line of economic nuttiness, but I’m just full up. The cabinets, the closets and even the attic are all stacked to the bursting point. I’ve already outsourced family craziness to my sisters and children because I have so much and they are resisting storing my excess. I just can’t take anymore. No place to put it.
Perhaps you could send the women who think I’d be perfect if I’d only complete this punchlist of changes to a younger man. You can divert the Jesusy ones to someone who lives farther northwest or farther south than 63d and May.
I’m well aware that the deadline for purchase of Bush-Cheney wierdness is upon us, but I’ll have to decline another war, even if Iran is looking ripe. Please hold that side of gas tax holiday, I’ve had enough pandering idiocy to last a very long time. No more FISA flip-flops for dessert, I’m on a diet.
I cannot say that I now believe that running up my credit card balances seems like a good idea even if it is fat free and low cholesterol. Foreclosures and job losses and bear markets are out of the question.
It’s not just the durable goods crazy that I’m done with, World, it’s also the tech crazy. I-whatevers, VISTA operating systems, Wii games and Guitar Hero/Grand Theft Auto IV are also off the board. Please just stop.
World, we’ve had a good relationship for a very long time, but I realize now that when I took delivery of WalMart and SUV crazy, it was the beginning of the end. Don’t ruin it and all my fond memories of my college pot smoking days with more of this crack/meth/drug de jour panic.
Crying acid rain won’t help because my mind is made up. You can also stop with the plastic bags and mountaintop mining.
Breaking up with you in an email, well, this is the last of the crazy for me.
Sincerely,
Blogblah
Good luck on your breakup lasts. That World is awfully sneaky in finding ways to suck you back in. Sometimes I feel like I’m swinging on a pendulum between ennui and excitement. I want to jump off, shut everything out and just sit still.
By the way, how old are the women who expect you to become younger to fit their punchlist? Seems to me, you guys have it lucky on the age deal.
Please edit my grammar and typos.
Sir, I feel obligated to warn you that in canceling your subscription to the crazy club, you become a “thin file” and put into jeopardy the fictional numbers we have created to calculate the interest on your crazy as well as your crazy points. As you are well aware, these numbers go into your permanent record, which is used to determine your worth, both personal and financial. Crazy is inextricable from your future and attempting this coup now will only harm you in the long run. Sir, what I would like to ask you is what are your plans once you flush the crazy down the drain? That’s crazy. Respectfully, your personal case manager, ensuring craziness for over 58 years