Do you remember the line from Desiderata: “Avoid loud and aggressive people”? King Solomon in his Proverbs and the Tao and others all warn against people who are quick to anger.
I have to admit that sometimes I’m that guy.
I have a temper. I frequently must apologize for things I say when I’m mad. Even worse, as some of the women who’ve dated me will testify, are the things I write in letters and emails when I’m pissed off and mad.

One of the more wise things ever said to me is about anger: Anger is hurt turned inside out. This from a tipsy shrink in a Tulsa bar about 30-35 years ago. It’s still true.
Mostly, anger isn’t a first emotion, it’s a second one. What comes before anger is hurt: someone steps on our toes in some way. Mostly, we’re hurt when we think we will not get something we want very much or that we will lose something we have and care about.
In many ways, this grandfather still has a child’s temper. I get angry the most and fastest about some jibe at my self esteem or when I think I’ve had my fabulous ego somehow punctured. I can throw a real hissy fit when I don’t get my way.
I’ve written women I really care about some pretty rough assaults on their personal dignity. Of course, I do this rather upscale — my wordsmithing goes into high gear so that there’s no mere namecalling or “flaming”. No, no. When I write a letter to an opposing attorney or someone else who has offended me, I do so at the very height of the language. Often, I write these missives with keen psychological insight and deft punctures of their assertions with cunning logical syllogisms of my own.
At least that’s what I think when I’m carefully crafting these social A-Bombs.
Solomon says that not only should you avoid a man with a quick temper, you should never listen to his advice.
An angry man, this angry man in all events, is likely to be surrounded by turmoil and trouble. When acting in anger, my actions are likely to be rash, irrational and hurtful.
And, I get predictable results.
People don’t like to hear my verbal lashings.
They don’t respond well.
I’ve never had anyone who received such a missive or tongue-lashing say, “Oh, well, I never thought of it that way before. You are so right that I’ll have to change my whole life and way of thinking to accommodate you, John.”
After repeating this same mistake over and over again for about a half century, I finally started doing something different a couple of years ago.
Oh, I still write the email or letter. I even edit it and hone it to a fine steel rapier that slashes and plunges deep into the human dignity and self respect of the intended recipient.
Then, I get a good night’s rest.
The next day, I delete it and write something else less incendiary.
When I write the second letter, I have to keep in mind that a kind word will turn away their wrath.
I have to keep in mind that I’m not perfect and that maybe I’ve done something to deserve their thrust against my self esteem and ego. Maybe instead of an angry reply what’s needed is an apology from me.
Maybe it’s possible to seek a compromise that would be impossible in an all out war of words.
I can’t stop having times when I feel hurt and I can’t stop having times when I get angry.
What I can do is stop acting on that anger and hurt.
It’s so much easier for me to hold my tongue (restrain my pen, stop typing) at the front end than it is to try and back off and explain my way out of the mess after I’ve set fire to my hair.
Now that I’ve figured out the whole email and letter thing, it would be lots better if I could only work out the installation of the delete button on my tongue.
SINATRA SPEAKS

Muffy, if you’re waiting on an apology from me, you’d best watch the weather report from Hell for news of an incoming freeze because there will be ice skating on that pond of burning excrement before you’ll hear me say I’m sorry. Rulers of the universe don’t apologize, that’s for minions like him. I have no idea what he’s thinking. I’m a predator. We don’t apologize. We aren’t sorry. We do not display weakness in front of lesser beings.
It’s a good thing that cats rule the world.

TODAY’S THOUGHT

A proper apology has three parts:
1. What I did was wrong
2. I feel badly that I hurt you
3. How do I make this better?

The Last Lecture, Chapter 47
Randy Pausch

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