shut up, he explained

MISSED CONNECTION

Are you the woman in the blue Denali with paper tags I followed out of Buy for Less on NW Hiway today about 1:30 p.m.? Blonde? I missed getting a chance to speak to you. I was the guy behind you all the way out to where your vehicle was parked next to my Mid-life Chrysler convertible.

I have a few things I’d like to say to you:

1. Get off the fucking cell phone if you can’t push your grocery cart in a straight enough line for me to get past you.

2. If your fat ass spills over both sides of the driver’s seat in a Denali, it’s a hint that you should back away from the potato chips and frozen pies you loaded into the back of your new gas guzzler.

3. Get off the fucking cell phone when you are driving, especially if you are straddling both fucking lanes of the exit and trying to turn left onto a busy street, you inconsiderate bitch.

4. Please contact me so that I can put out a contract hit on you in order to make the whole world a better place without your stupid, ugly, fat, loud, controlling presence.

5. Quit talking that way to your daughter and get some damn sense. Telling a high school girl she’s a bitch and will never get married because she doesn’t know the whole list of items she needs for school supplies is not right. In addition to being an all around horrible person, you are a lousy parent.