Dear young mom,
You haven’t been able to fit into that short skirt for a year and a half and you’re really happy to be able to go to church today with your husband and infant. Afterward, for a little relaxation and maybe to see if the current Vanity Fair is in, you go to Barnes and Noble in the SUV you insisted on having because it made you feel secure. As you are leaving, you are putting your little one into the super-duper baby carrier in the back seat because you are a good mommy, but he/she is a little fussy and it takes a few minutes.

About 30 of us in the coffee shop are staring at your white, lace-clad ass. Considering your recent pregnancy, it’s pretty good. Considering how long it takes you to get the kid strapped in, we get a long look. You may wish to reconsider the short skirts you wore when you and your husband had no children and you were clubbing with your sorority sisters.

Pro Tip for husbands: if your wife is wearing a skirt that’s mid thigh to mid knee — and don’t tell me you didn’t notice — help put the baby in the car seat, even if it’s her turn.

Pro Tip for husbands II: If you’re in Barnes and Nobles with your spouse and you see a young wife’s white lace clad ass, your significant other will notice if your mouth remains open after about the count of 10. Don’t look over to see if you’re busted, because you are. If you are still spilling coffee on the table after the count of 20, what will happen when you get home is gonna leave a mark.

I thought there was gonna be a testosterone riot with shots fired. Guys lined up on the sidewalk to stare. Women stared. The windows filled with gawkers rubbernecking. And, hell yes I stared, too.

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