Today’s entry is dedicated to the late lamented band, X, their album, Under a Big Black Sun, and the tune I name above. Thank you John Doe and Exene. The Webmaster took me to a concert of theirs at Plaza Court on NW 10th and Walker one time years ago and that band just about brought down the building. That’s another one I owe you, Dennis. … Thanks for the good times.

Will the real Don Juan please stand up?

About four pussys showed up at my house this morning. One is brunette but the others seem to be black and white or gray. The neighborhood slut I call “Tuxedo” due to her black with strategically placed white fur has a brood of monochromatic kittens that have decided my yard is the jungle God left for their hunting grounds. All of them regard me as an intruder. I refuse to feed them so as not to encourage them, but there are so many birds and squirrels in my yard that I’m not sure that’s any deterrent. Once, not long ago, I had a young woman over to the house when these felines were but small balls of fur and they had lined up on my bedroom windowsills. Even though a confirmed dog lover and allergic to cats, the girl went weak at the knees over how cute they were. Lovely memory of a woman I cared about who “got away.” Only the cats remain.

Waking Up With Someone New

I woke up with a woman this morning and it was our first time to sleep together. No. I mean really sleep, not what you are thinking, you dirty minded readers. My rule for “sleeping together” is that I won’t do that unless I have something to say in the morning besides “How do you take your coffee?”. Anyway, we did have coffee together during a lovely morning and we did have something to say to each other and it was VERY nice. “Sleeping together” is what it is and it can be quite lovely, of course, but what I like even better is the more long-term pleasure of having a woman in your life that you can wake up with and talk softly and lovingly with the next morning. There have been two wonderful women in my life in the past 10 years of my sobriety with whom that was true: we woke up in love and had coffee and long talks, often outside. I should have married them, I’ve often thought, but the chance to do that never really happened. One moved away and the other just flat dumped me. I still love them both. More than anything else, I miss their companionship. For both of them, it was true that we could do the stupid things one must do — grocery shop, for example — and have a good time together. Our senses of humor matched. God has blessed me with a few wonderful women and I would especially include my X wife, the mother of my wonderful children. I’m nostalgic this morning for some reason. As much as I care about the woman I woke up with this morning, our relationship is doomed, I think. She forthrightly admits that she’s both emotionally and physically unavailable to everyone, including me. I shan’t fight with her about it. No sense in it. You can’t talk or force someone to be in love with you, no matter how much you might wish it to be so. And, for me, no will always mean no. And, why try to make someone have sex with you if they don’t want to have sex? Would it be any good if they weren’t completely “into” it? I think not. And, the worse would be the guilt and recrimination and remorse the next morning if you succeeded. Who wants to wake up and have coffee with someone who hates themselves and what they’ve just done?

The aftermath

First, I’ve always thought that “aftermath” sounds like doing the subtraction in your checkbook immediately following Algebra class. That’s not what I mean now, though. The aftermath of waking up with a new woman in my bed today is that I stayed up very late on a “school night”, woke up late, spent extra time over coffee and taking her home and by the time I was headed to work, the day was half over and I felt like hammered shit from the short night’s sleep. My last X accused me of being a sex addict, a charge I vehemently denied, but there’s no doubt that “sex” (or near-sex, as in this case) is affecting my work and that’s a symptom of sexual addiction. This X really got into my head as you can see, and I’m still suffering months later from the guilt, shame and conflicting emotions I have left over from being flatly dumped in such a manner. Anyway, there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate on discovery matters in a real estate case today, no matter how much I need the billing to keep my poor law practice afloat. Might as well blog.

Is there conflict ahead?

Recently, there was a woman in my life who, like the newest one, explicitly told me she is emotionally, romantically and physically unavailable to me. I spent weeks going into months ignoring and denying that reality. I loved her and wanted her and wished for it so much I was sure that I could change her mind. I went from smitten to hopeless to pathetic. Yes, pathetic. When you go on and on being not just hopeless but knowing it’s hopeless, it becomes pathetic. Finally, I realized what I was doing. Since I couldn’t “make” her feel the way I wanted her to feel about me, there was nothing left but to stop and change the dynamic. I had no other choice. Now, I’m unavailable to her, romantically, physically and emotionally. I stopped waking up wishing for her and I stopped making myself miserable over not getting what I would never have. Anyway, along the way, I asked for her to returns some items I’d loaned her over the time of our “relationship”, a word that must be in quotation marks because it isn’t a relationship if only one person feels “that way”. She picked THIS morning to return my stuff. Now, I’m wondering about the aftermath. Will I be faced by a woman who was not only unavailable, but is now pissed? You would think that if she didn’t want a relationship with me, it wouldn’t bother her to find out I was with another woman. However, it’s my experience that such logic simply doesn’t always work. At least not where women and the heart are concerned. We shall see.

Video clip

My friend the videographer, John H., has produced a short (10 second?) video of me having a smoke in front of a Braum’s sign at twilight. I’m going to try and place it on this page as soon as I can. DENNIS!!!!! Heads up!!!!!!