I watched the Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day, last night.  Not sure that was the best film for my present circumstances.  bill goes to the groundhog day festivities and gets caught in the small town by a blizzard and caught in a Feb. 2 timewarp in which he repeats the day over and over.  Sounds a little familiar.  Can’t get out because of the weather and every day seems like the one just before.

I’ve been on a journey to the most dangerous place in the universe:  between my ears.

Talked to Little Miss Sunshine today about sex, love and relationships.  During this confab, I noticed that I’ve dated women in every age category from 20 to 60 except one:  age 35-40.  I wondered if that was just chance or if there were another explanation.  LMS says it’s because women that age are interested in children, marriage and career and a guy like me just is not on their agenda/radar.  Plausable and interesting response.  I wonder if other readers agree.

Seems like some female OCU night law school aspirant would snap me up.

I don’t know.

I also have been radically rethinking my relationships.  I wonder if I’ve been dating similar women, even if I’ve focused on their differences rather than their similarities.  I wonder if the bubbly younger women, the desperate divorcees in their 40s and the accomplished 50 somethings might all be the same wounded girl on her arc from youth through middle age.  What do you think?

Again, LMS’s input:  John’s wounded and only wounded women will be interested; unwounded ones want nothing to do with those of us who are wounded.

Again, not the most optimistic and hopeful response from Little Miss Sunshine and a little insulting even if true, but I wonder if anyone/everyone else agrees.  Nevertheless, an interesting and plausable response, LMS.

Then there are questions about relationships that only I can answer:  what are you looking for?  what do you want? 

I’m not sure I’m even asking the right questions at this point.  I wonder if I’ve accepted a cultural paradigm of coupling up and living some kind of happily ever after without questioning this as a premise.    To ask that question implies putting a lot of things on the table: celibacy, bigamy, polygamy, profligate promiscuity, for example.

At this point, I’ll admit that it occurs to me that part of my problem with relationships is that I overthink the hell out of every damn thing.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m not easy.  I’m not easy to live with and I’m not easy to put up with.  I’m demanding and thoughtless both at the same time.  I can be both unforgiving and relentlessly resentful.

On the other hand, I can be exceedingly kind and thoughtful, funny, a great partner for conversation and coffee, sexy and a lot of other really great stuff.

Knowing this about myself, why am I surprised when some victim/hostage gets frustrated and conflicted?

As to the best of my relationships, I must admit my own part:  I participated fully in the sabotage/denoument of each one.

Put another way, I have not demonstrated the ability to build a longlasting and fulfilling relationship.  I think it’s fair to say relationships are not my strong suit.

I also think it’s fair to compare myself to an acquired taste.  Scotch, for example, and perhaps an apt comparison.

I told you going between my ears is making danger the destination.