Friday night, I was home in time to do two loads of laundry before midnight.
Saturday was a pretty good day.
Started out with a small gathering at the Red Cup in the morning. In the afternoon, I joined a group of people put together by the Debster for the purpose of forming a Socrates Cafe discussion group. I do so admire the Debster for her inspirational attitude of doing something rather than just talking about doing something.
In the evening, I had dinner with the lovely Juliet, went back to the Red Cup for an hour and then a few minutes listening to the acoustic set at GSpot followed by a few minutes with a couple of regulars at Isis.
Home again with plenty of time to spare to sit in my living room wingback chair, browse the internet with a cup of hot chocolate and a little jazz on the radio while a fire crackled and the cat perched on the back of the chair above my left shoulder. I was again in bed before midnight.
This morning, I’m literally in bed with my laptop atop my lap and I’ve read the NY Times and the Wash. Post and looked at the new vids posted by John X and M Carp while Sinatra streaks from window to window to see the birds and squirrels.
One of the habitues of Isis was James, whose heart is weak but good and gentle. He told me he’d spent a little time closely observing me from afar and that his main thought was that I seemed “content.”
As the poet Robert Burns observed, it’s quite a gift to see ourselves as others see us.
I think of contentment as my goal rather than my lifestyle, personal style or manner.
On the inside, it seems I’m often restless, discontent and irritable.
I may have to reconsider that attitude towards myself and my life.
After all, I have a lovely and quiet home that brings me a lot of joy. I’m surrounded by artwork produced by the creative urges of people I know and care about.
I drive a nice car. It’s not the jazzy two seater I had last year, but it’s a very nice vehicle.
I have a lovely wardrobe.
Self employed, I make a living but I don’t have to show up at a particular time and I don’t answer to much of anyone about anything I do. For example, Friday afternoon, I went to the studio of the Oz and he and I whiled away some sunshine going to get some keys duplicated and then to far south OKC to take possession and inspect a home that is in a probate estate. Bluntly, I sorta fucked off Friday afternoon, but got paid for it.
I have a support system of friends and family that is very satisfying and fulfilling. Mom’s frisky and feisty and that’s a big plus. I have children and grandchildren I adore and who enhance my life simply by their very existence. I do interesting things and meet interesting people.
I have time to read and write and contemplate and blog and fulminate and roar through that avenue. The diversity of my acquaintence delights me: transexuals, Europeans, gays, straights, Africans, Asians, people from the India subcontinent and S. America, rich, poor, middle class, right, left, radical, believers, non-believers, drunks and recovering drunks. Citizens of the world, all.
What more do I need to be content? As MB says of herself: I have all I need all around me.
This morning, as I write, the computer is churning out a playlist of soothing music: Yo Yo Ma is playing some Brazilian pieces right this moment.
The Sumatra coffee beans I ground this morning make a full flavored and “round” cup of java at my side and a cigaret burns in the ashtray invitingly.
Another X, privacy shattered Sharon, is getting married and I so love her and wish her the very best. This news makes me very happy and I find the circumstance soothing, calming and I love her enough that I’m glad for her because I know how much it pleases her. That seems extraordinary to me that I would have those feelings, and I’m happy for that. No jealousy, no envy, no snarky bullshit. I’m really pretty lucky on the score of X relationships. I want them all to be happy. I still love all the ones I once loved. I am sincerely glad that my Xwife is remarried. I want her to be happy and get what she wants out of life. Barbara Jellybean remarried and it always makes me glad to see her and see her seemingly happy. I have other Xs still out there looking and struggling for a good relationship. I’m wistful about the loss of some of the relationships, but it would make me sad if they never reached their goals and I don’t really have any deep regrets about my lovelife. While I’ve been grousing about my current situation, I’m really sort of, well, content to let the universe unfold as it should without me thinking that I’m taking control of the situation.
Still, the nature of my mind is such that I’m so easily diverted from this path of serenity and contentment. Perhaps others also see me as content. Know ye this: I must forcefully turn my mind in that direction. It takes an act of conscious will for me to center up and get content. I must remind myself to get perspective (“How much will this matter in 5 years?) before I have any perspective at all and the alternative is that I’m all excited about someone else’s problems. I must take an active role in reminding myself of all my blessings in order to calm down and be secure in my surroundings. I must sit down and tell myself the truth others intuit effortlessly: most people are just doing the best they can at the time and almost always with the best of intentions. It’s very likely not about me at all.
Shakespeare wrote that “there is nothing good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” Perhaps you prefer the more modern and perky “attitude is everything”. Whatever. In all events, I think myself content this morning, thanks to James’ nudge in that direction. Now, don’t fuck with me, I’m where I want to be.